All too often we assume that the way we see something is the same as the way someone else sees it. We all have a ‘map of the World’ which helps us weigh up situations and make all sorts of decisions – whether a stranger is friendly, whether our partner loves us, how we feel about someone’s email or social media post. The thing is, because we have been relying on our map for a long time, we tend to assume our map is right; we don’t realise that ‘the map is not the territory’ and other people may have a different, equally valid map. Have you ever had the experience of doing something for someone which did not get quite the reaction you expected? Have you ever been bought a present that you didn’t like and thought ‘this person doesn’t know me at all’? Do people at work do things that just do not sit right with you?
The same action can mean different things to different people of different genders, backgrounds and cultures. Men opening doors for woman, queuing, physical contact between men and women, expressing disagreement; the list is endless.
When we were 3 years old we had every right to expect our parents to ‘mind read’ what it was we wanted as we weren’t then able to clearly communicate our needs. However, as adults, we are not endowed with telepathic powers, so if you want an adult relationship you need to communicate what is important to you.
So in your relationships that matters to you, ask yourself:
- what is it that I most value? (e.g. honesty)
- what would tell me that I am getting that? what would they be saying/doing?
Then try communicating this to them – without turning it into a demand or a ‘should’. You will be amazed how life transforms when we learn to speak each other’s language!
Tags: communication, relationships
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